Wake Me Up When September Ends

This song by Green Day kind of became my summer song. With everything going on with my grandma, I kind of set my sights set on the end of September, thinking/hoping that all this would be over by then.

Well here we are, September 26, and it does not look like it will be over anytime soon. She is still weak, in pain a lot, not walking much (after yet another fall 2 weeks ago), and not eating much at all.

I quit my job at the beginning of August to take care of her. Sometimes I wonder if that was the right thing to do. I always told myself that if the time came, that I would do just what I did. And now, if it were just her being sick and me needing to take care of her, I really don't think I would have a problem with it much at all. But all the other "crap" that comes along with it is what gets to me...the her not wanting to eat/me trying to force her to eat something; the not wanting to try to walk/me forcing her to walk a little so as to not get blood clots, bed sores, etc; the her being depressed all the time and getting mad at ME for being the one trying to get her to do this stuff...I could go on and on.

There are times when I seriously think I may be losing my mind. I feel myself getting so angry at her - not for her not being able to do something, but for the attitude she has about everything and towards me, especially. I find myself physically getting so upset - yelling, wanting to throw things, etc. I guess I am just looking for some re-assurance that I am not a horrible person for feeling this way. I guess a person can only take so much.

Along with that, since quitting the job I had, I look for meaningful things to do to keep me busy, especially things in line with what my background is - working in ministry. I crave this, I think, because I need to feel like I am accomplishing something, something that has immediate results, appreciation, and can somehow make me feel like I still valuable at what I know I can do.

While I am not a stay at home mom, I AM a stay at home caretaker. I feel that the sacrifice, dedication, and choice I made is very similar. So I honestly think that I struggle with many of the same issues. Feeling cooped up, unappreciated, wanting to contribute to the world (not just the laundry room or sickbed), missing the career world and interacting with everyone, and just plain getting fed up at times.

So please, I know some of you stay at home (and working) moms - and others - probably have some words of wisdom to share. So please do...!